The memory palace has an all gender bathroom
and I’m not the middle figure in the half-skirt,
half-pants chimera outfit, but I do like to piss
in a single-stall situation. On the couch
is the heavy blanket that kept me Catholic. Going
up the stairs is an act of poise and in the kitchen
is a lemon, wedged and pledged. Under the bed
is the laser printed felt, the earrings I drew
onto my lobes and my cheeks flush, burning. A framed
photo of possibility: Alexis Arquette television cameos
throughout the 1990’s. The bathroom is all rose quartz
and even I vibrate toward something sweet when I sink
into the cavernous tub, actually oversized, sans jets
because I saw an episode of House Hunters that changed
my mind about those. The water is the right temperature
and has the right mineral deposits to make me
changeable, to make a pleasure organ of me yet. I have sweeping
ocean views, I have sweeping oceans, view I have, I am sweeping,
I am ocean ocean. Textiles, only organique, only
draped. I love discovery against both my politics
and better judgement: I have a soft spot for accumulation
or the silent compliance a museum or library asks
of me. If neither my body nor I are discoverable,
what do we do with the weight of flesh? If neither place
nor language is available for discovery, what do we do
about forgetting? What might remembering belabor?
In my dreams lately, I press up against shortcomings
in tongues I don’t know well enough for even dreamtalk.
“Estoy visitando…” At the museum in Manila, I
trace galleons from shores and back. That is,
we know nothing truly of history. That is, we try
but how much good is that, really? That is,
it’s Andres Bonifacio Day and I didn’t know
the mall and all of the museums would be closed. I write
“Buy a pair of shoes” onto my to-do list because I have
my eyes on a $75 pair of house slippers.
Added: Tuesday, August 8, 2023 / Used with permission.
Photo by Paul Goudarzi-Fry.
antmen pimentel mendoza (she, he, they) is the author of the chapbook MY BOYFRIEND APOCALYPSE (Nomadic Press, 2023; reprinted by Black Lawrence Press). antmen is a writer, the Interim Director of the Multicultural Community Center at UC Berkeley, and a student at the Rainier Writing Workshop at Pacific Lutheran University. Find antmen online at @antmenismagic on Twitter and Instagram and at their website or riding her bike in Oakland, CA.
Image Description: antmen pimentel mendoza faces the camera and smiles under dappled light. antmen wears a green and red flannel shirt and his hair is black and shoulder-length.
